This past month has been a pretty tough one emotionally. I came home from a visit to Idaho with two sick kids. Kate had croup and is still recovering from the cough. With that came a lot more fussiness and less sleeping. I do not do well without sleep. I become more emotional than normal and have a difficult time dealing with the demands of my day.
Kate also got glasses three weeks ago. They think she has accomodative esotropia, which is primarily a focusing problem from what I understand. Her eyes were crossing due to the inability to focus. She has to wear them to help her eyes align properly and her brain develop the ability to use both eyes as a team.
When I first heard it and started shopping for them - I was upset. It brought back memories of me being a grade schooler in glasses, being called "Four Eyes". I don't want that for my daughter. I don't want the glasses to get in the way of her sweet face. I don't want her to be overshadowed or defined by them. I also don't want the added attention and questions that I knew would come along with an infant wearing glasses. But then God exposed those insecurities for what they are - VANITY.
I don't want to be a mom who passes on those insecurities to my daughter. I don't want her to feel different or less beautiful because she has to wear glasses. I don't want her to feel her worth is determined by her physical appearance. God is using this experience to refine me.
Now, I am so used to her in them. She can see so much better and it is fun to see her starting to reach milestones that were hard for her before, like reaching out and grabbing objects. People love them and are always commenting on how cute she is in them. But now that we are used to them, I have noticed another issue cropping up in place of VANITY - and that is PRIDE. She is so darn cute in them, that I start to go exactly the opposite of my first feelings of despair that she had to wear them, to relishing the attention that they bring her.
Lord, if it isn't one thing with me, it's another... How can you keep loving me so patiently?
Then there is the SELFISHNESS. Because I am so tired, because my role as a mom has been so demanding lately, all I can think about is the time that I want for myself. I want to be alone. I want to do some of my hobbies. I don't want to take care of that broken toy or that dirty diaper. I just want to lay around in bed reading a novel, or sewing, or scrapbooking, or shopping by myself without a call to come home... Now, wanting some time to relax by myself is not inherently sinful. But they have become sinful for me lately because I am building them up as an idol. I am getting frustrated and acting out of impatience with my family because they are needing me, when I don't want to be needed. I am not loving them as I should and at times am angry, resentful, and mean.
And yet one more... the WHINES... I have been whiny and complaining over little things and big things that are not going my way. I get frustrated with God that He is not making them go away or get better, instead of viewing them as an opportunity for growth. Obviously, if God is allowing them in my life there is a purpose.
We recently starting a class on Shepherding A Child's Heart at church. So far, I have been getting a lot out of it. It has been truly convicting, not only as a parenting tool, but on my own heart condition. It seems that God is trying to Shepherd my heart. Go figure.
I am trying to have a grateful attitude and just be thankful that the God and Creator of the Universe cares enough about little 'ol me to overhaul my heart. Times like these where it is a season of growth are always so very hard, but looking back they are so beautiful and wonderful. Lord, please help me to be patient and to trust that you will continue to work on me. I love you so much Lord. Please help me to love you more!
6 comments:
Praying that the Lord sustains you through the overhaulin' and refreshes you in ways you didn't think possible. I so love your teachable heart, and thanks (once again) for sharing your story my friend!
Hey Heather, I am so thrilled to be able to visit with you here. Thanks for stopping by my blog, it is always so wonderful to visit with a sister! I feel your pain on all the subjects you've covered here in your post. I don't have the answers...but I do feel like I've found something that works for me. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. Schedule it if you have to. If mamma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Mommy guilt is the worst, but you need to be away for a bit, so you can be happy to be there when you need to be. This is such a difficult road to go down...aren't you thrilled that you are not alone? I had a 20 minute conversation with the Lord just today about where I'm supposed to be headed...while driving to my alone time. He blessed me with such a great day away, that I was totally refreshed and renewed to be with my two boys, one of which is special needs (medically). I will pray that HE will show you your new space, and that HE will give you the space and time that you crave to be refreshed and renewed. Blessings, and excited to have a new blogger buddy in you! :o) Trish.
Thank you for posting this, it was good perspective and what I needed to hear today. I've been struggling with many of the same issues lately and it's not a fun place to be. I'll be praying for you also and I pray that this season will dive both of us deeper into Him. Isaiah 58:11 for you today & much love to you sweet sister!!!!
Heather,
I remember feeling very similiarly when my kids were younger, except I didn't recognize it for what it was-selfish, vane, pride-at the time. Good for you for recognizing your heart and looking towards God. Remember to take time outs for Him-praying and reading His Word to renew your mind. I'll be praying for you. You are a great mom and I feel blessed to know you.
Thanks for opening your heart and sharing Heather. /big hugs. When things settle down for you I hope we can sit down and have some coffee and catch up.
I love you, your heart, and your girl!
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