A Sam Catch-up

It seems that life is speeding up for me as a mother. I can hardly keep up with Sam's changes, both good and bad. Here is my effort to record some things that I want to remember...

Sam is really giving me a run for my money right now. He is definitely in the terrible two phase now. It has been especially hard since I worked temporarily the previous two weeks. While he did great for Amber who watched him, during the evenings and weekends he was a terror to Chris and I. And now that it is just him and me during the days again, he is testing me left and right. Some of the "low"lights:

* Favorite word is No. Only he says it all long and drawn out with a definite defiant tone: "Nooooo-aaaaaahhhh!"

* When we try and get him to look at us so we can explain something or discipline, he shuts his eyes really tight and looks away.

* He throws multiple fits a day and has started hitting me and things out of anger.

* He often refuses to listen and deliberately disobeys. Many times he starts laughing with glee at his misbehavior (which is actually happening as I type this - he is trying to put his feet and his hands all over the laptop which he knows better).

But there are those moments of discovery, of laughter, and of sweetness that make up for all the bad moments.

* Today after a run in with Gus and a rough morning obeying, Sam says, "There are two bad a-tudes (translation: attitudes). Gus is one, I am two."

* We were laughing yesterday and I said, "You are one silly boy!" Sam responds, "No, I'm two!"

* He has been noticing the differences between mommy & him. He calls my breasts "hoobs" and his nipples "buttons". One day when he was wearing a button up shirt that had a pocket all scrunched up, he remarks, "I have one hoob!"

* As we were going through Costco this evening after an incredibly rough afternoon, he gives everyone who passes by the biggest grin and giggle. I love that sweetness.

* He seems to understand the baby that is coming and often gives my tummy hugs and kisses for his big sister. He also tries to pour water into my belly button to give the baby a drink.

* He loves learning about his letters and their sounds, and counting. He likes to remark on how many of something there is - like "I have two grandmas!"

There were a couple of other funny stories that I wanted to record, but alas, I can't remember them. So friends, if you remember them - please remind me! I wish I was like my good friend Carrie who is always so good at recording her daughters' moments.

Revisiting the Gospel

This post has been on my mind a lot for the past couple of months. Thankfully I hadn't actually gotten around to writing it since things have dramatically changed in the past two weeks. This post will be long to warn those of you who may read it - but I need it that way - as a reminder to myself of how God is moving in my life and as a way for me to share His glory as I am seeing it revealed.

You may have read my posts last fall about my journey through the Story Formed Life. There was one post in particular that explained a huge battle that was going on inside me in regard to me understanding the gospel (http://heatherosborn.blogspot.com/2008/10/gospel.html). I had wanted God to really reveal my sin to me - to blast me with it so I could fully appreciate Christ's work on the cross for me personally.

But God in his infinite wisdom and mercy did not answer my prayer in the way that I had asked. Instead over the past 5 months, he has slowly been revealing the depth of my sins to me. One layer at a time. I know there are many more layers to go, but I am so thankful for the progress that He has provided. And the wonderful, gentle way that He has walked me through this season.

If He had answered my prayers in the way that I had asked - I may have fallen apart. I may have refused to listen and repent. I would have fought back in denial. But instead, I am humbled. Humbled by my ignorance. Humbled by my actions. Humbled by my pride. Humbled by my part in Jesus' death.

Some of you know that I have always struggled to really understand grace. To me a works-based system makes sense, both due to my personality, the religious tradition I grew up in, how I am motivated, etc. But now, I am starting to understand grace on a personal level. And God provided one of those "aha" moments for me as I was preparing for last Friday night's community group. The chapter in our study book we were going over was justification and the memory verse was Ephesians 2:8-10. A verse that I have heard many times, but as I was writing it down verbatim - it came alive to me and I noticed a part of it that I hadn't noticed before.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -

not by works, so that no one can boast.

For we are God's workmanship, created in advance in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

The italicized part above just shouted out at me. God revealed to me that while my natural inclination made grace a difficult concept for me, I have actually CHOSEN to remain in that struggle because of my sinfulness (PRIDE)! I want it to be works based because I would then get the credit. YIKES! What a revelation. I have the choice to embrace the system of grace and grow in my understanding.

And since God has been revealing the sin in my life over the past months, I have come to realize on a real level that I can't make it on my own. So the works based system I have wished it would be, would be hopeless and pointless because I now realize how my small steps of progress on my own are NOTHING compared to the gap created between me and God due to my sin.

Praise God for his loving revelations! Praise God for his provision of Jesus Christ!

God has been specifically revealing the sins of jealousy, selfishness, and pride to me. He has shown me in my relationship with my husband of almost 12 years how utterly selfish and prideful I have been. I really had no clue. I am saddened by the time that I have wasted in our relationship because I was so skewed by my own selfishness. God has performed some heart surgery on me in the past couple of weeks that once I realized this - He gave me an attitude of humility, love, and service toward Chris.

I know that it will be an ongoing struggle as I learn to undo years of patterns, but I am AMAZED at the difference God has already shown us. It took me years to get to the point of repentance - but once I was there and repented, God did a work overnight. What a blessing to me and to Chris.

I am actually excited about God continuing me on this journey. It can be very painful and embarassing at times, but the benefits of my closer relationship with God and with my husband are incentives to me to keep on allowing God to work. I know that there are other areas and other relationships that God is calling me to work on, so that will be another chapter in this story.

I leave today for our Women's Retreat. The theme deals with cleansing within - I am so thankful for the topic because that is what God has been doing and I can't wait to learn more. Please pray for all of us there - that God would speak clearly to each of us and that His glory be revealed!

Answer: Shenandoah

Question: What was the name my mom originally wanted to name me?

Thank the Lord that my dad vetoed that one.

(not to put down that name, but really - those of you who know me, know that just wouldn't have fit. and yes, I was born in the 70's and my mom had hippie leanings.)

Overwhelmed

I have had several posts about my spiritual walk on my mind lately, but I haven't been motivated to sit down and write them out. I can't even decide which one to focus on first. I guess that is just a picture of how I have been feeling lately - overwhelmed and frustrated.

For some time now I have been aware of issues that I need to work on, lessons that God is teaching me, and areas of needed growth. But I easily get discouraged because I feel like there is too much and I am not sure where to go first. It is then that I can give up or get so frustrated that I, in essence, remain paralyzed in worry.

I realized yesterday that I have been sabotaging myself. I have been telling myself in those discouraging moments that it is no use - I've failed before and will fail this time, that I will always remain overwhelmed and won't be able to get past these issues, or get closer to God.

What I am failing to do during those times is focus on who God is and what He wants for me.

God's word shows me that God wants a relationship with me. He also wants me to grow in Christ's likeness. AND He has said that He will never leave or forsake me. So therefore, if I am willing, God will help me to grow closer to Him and will work on changing those areas that He has shown me need changing.

So instead of trying to analyze which area I should work on first or sit idly by in frustration, I just need to seek God's presence and trust that He'll guide my next steps. May seem elementary to most of you, but this is a lesson that I seem to never quite grasp completely.

Lord, I am willing. Change me. Grow me. Please! Pretty please with sugar on top.

Update...

First of all, I have to thank everyone for their support - their prayers, their comments, and their phone calls. I am so blessed to have so many loving and caring sisters in Christ.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing well. In fact, I wrote that post to mainly get my feelings out and organized and just the writing of it was cathartic. After that, especially with all the messages of support, I haven't been worried. Now that isn't to say that I won't get worried because there will be those days like I described in the post. But I have been able to move forward and not be worried about it this week.

Love you all.....

Technology can really stink...

On Monday, I was marveling at the technology of the ultrasound that allows us to see our daughter before she is born, watch her little fingers and toes, see her heartbeat, and know that she is a little girl. But late yesterday afternoon, I just got super annoyed with it. Technology can be so wonderful, but it can also be alarmist, causing extra worry - when I already have too much.

My midwife called yesterday afternoon to let me know about a finding on the ultrasound. My little girl has echogenic cardiac foci - basically bright spots on her left ventricle that showed up on the ultrasound. This is called a "soft" marker for Downs syndrome. This can be something that normal, healthy unborn children have while their mom is in her 2nd trimester. The vast majority of children with this are born normal, or the foci disappears by age 5. However, because of my age (33), that increases my chances of the little lady having Downs to 1 in 315. Thankfully, she did not show any of the "hard" markers for Downs and has no heart defects.

When I was pregnant with Sam, I took the quad screen blood test. That came back with a higher risk for Downs, so my doctor had us take a Level II Ultrasound with genetic counseling. After days of worry in between the ultrasounds, come to find out my chances of Sam having Downs were still one in hundreds and the only way to really determine if he did was an amniocentesis. We chose not to risk it because we knew that we of course wouldn't abort him if he had it. The irksome part about that experience was that my doctor's office did a shoddy job really explaining what the risk factors were and caused an awful lot of stress and worry on my part. Hence one of the many reasons, that I switched to my midwife right before Sam was born.

Even though I knew with Sam that my chances were still very low, there was always that nagging thought behind the normal mom worries of "will my baby be healthy?". And now, I have that small nugget of truth behind the worries this time. I already struggle with worry, doubt, and trusting God for the little things of everyday life. Now the fact of the echogenic cardiac foci will become ammunition for the sniper. Most days I will be fine. But there are those days where my armor is weak, where I haven't got it on right, or when I simply just haven't put it on. And those are the days that I will struggle with worry. Darn it.

This time I specifically opted out of those screening blood tests. Because I didn't want any of those false alarms to get in my way. Because I know that I wouldn't change the course of my pregnancy if there was something wrong. But here I am again - with that small chance. I understand why they have to tell us, but I wish they didn't. And ironically, if I had taken the blood test and it was normal, they wouldn't have even mentioned the foci to me. But since I didn't have the blood test for them to compare, they needed to tell me about it. Thankfully, my midwife - love you FraNa - is awesome and took the time to thoroughly explain things to me.

Please pray for my little lady that she is healthy. And pray for me and Chris - that we will trust God, knowing that whatever path He has us on, He is there and will walk us through it. I know that He loves my little one more than I do and that is the truth I need to focus on.