Basically, I have been really doing a lot of soul searching lately. I feel this pressure to make money, but I am not sure where it is coming from. Chris and I have been able to whittle down our expenses, so we can survive on his income, so I don't need it for living. We would need more money when we get a house or move, but that isn't for a couple of years most likely. So is the pressure coming from my desire for another house - or is it just because I can't be still?
I'm starting to think it is because I can't be still. I always have to have a goal or a purpose and quite frankly, I am unsure what that is right now. I feel a bit lost. A peek into my brain would reveal these questions circling over and over, like a vulture waiting for its prey to die. (Lovely analogy, isn't it?!)
* WHO am I?
* WHO does God want me to be?
* I know I am a wife and a mother, but WHAT does that mean?
* WHAT does God want me to do with my life?
* Should I find a job to make money?
* Should I go back to work? If so, should I go to my old job?
* Or should I try something new?
* Should I watch other kids?
* Should I start making crafts and selling them?
* Should I try and write a book - I've got ideas for children's books and adult books.
* If I wrote a book, would anyone want to read it?
* Should I go back to school and get a Master's degree in counseling or school psychology?
* Would I be able to manage school?
* Do I want to go back to school?
* WHERE should I be spending my time?
* WHEN will God show me an answer to my question?
* WHEN will I know what my purpose is?
* WHY can't I just be content today?
* WHY isn't being a wife and mom enough for me right now?
* WHAT more do I want?
I could go on and on, but I was afraid I'd exhaust you... I am very thankful for the blessings I have, but would love to feel more purposeful and fulfilled each day.
5 comments:
Love the analogy...thanks for sharing your heart & what you are wrestling with God over. I will continue to pray for clarity for you and for peace in your heart over all of these questions.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."~Matthew 6:33-34
hmmmmmm...where to start. First off I will say I believe this unsettledness is from the enemy and I will pray for you to find the peace God wants you to have. Second- You are good at so many things Heather...maybe worry less about what you can do to make $ and think about what would really give you joy to do outside of being the wonderful mommy you are and I sure God will bless that. Third- I would so totally read your book. You are an AMAZING writer!!! Fourth-We REALLY need some more time to chat and pray together and soon!!! When? How? Lets hurry! Fifth- I love dearly
I ment to say I love YOU dearly.
Its human nature to ask God that all the time...right now I keep thinking why can't I be content without kids right now...why do I have to have them NOW...and I'm sure when I have them I'll think ok now what...I don't have the answers, but God totally does...and as to the book...just start writing...as to the rest like everyone else says...they that wait upon the Lord will mount up on wings like eagles...whatever that Isiah 40ish verse says... not that any of us are good at waiting... I freak out every day when my temp is still low and the opk is still negative. My favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5,6...Trust in the Lord with all thine heart...lean not on thine own understanding...in all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path..."
He will and he does even if its not what we want...and it is a day by day play by play literally...you are doing the right thing by praying :) /hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing! I agree with Amber-the enemy seems to be working on you right now. I will be praying for you!
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