Revisiting the Gospel

This post has been on my mind a lot for the past couple of months. Thankfully I hadn't actually gotten around to writing it since things have dramatically changed in the past two weeks. This post will be long to warn those of you who may read it - but I need it that way - as a reminder to myself of how God is moving in my life and as a way for me to share His glory as I am seeing it revealed.

You may have read my posts last fall about my journey through the Story Formed Life. There was one post in particular that explained a huge battle that was going on inside me in regard to me understanding the gospel (http://heatherosborn.blogspot.com/2008/10/gospel.html). I had wanted God to really reveal my sin to me - to blast me with it so I could fully appreciate Christ's work on the cross for me personally.

But God in his infinite wisdom and mercy did not answer my prayer in the way that I had asked. Instead over the past 5 months, he has slowly been revealing the depth of my sins to me. One layer at a time. I know there are many more layers to go, but I am so thankful for the progress that He has provided. And the wonderful, gentle way that He has walked me through this season.

If He had answered my prayers in the way that I had asked - I may have fallen apart. I may have refused to listen and repent. I would have fought back in denial. But instead, I am humbled. Humbled by my ignorance. Humbled by my actions. Humbled by my pride. Humbled by my part in Jesus' death.

Some of you know that I have always struggled to really understand grace. To me a works-based system makes sense, both due to my personality, the religious tradition I grew up in, how I am motivated, etc. But now, I am starting to understand grace on a personal level. And God provided one of those "aha" moments for me as I was preparing for last Friday night's community group. The chapter in our study book we were going over was justification and the memory verse was Ephesians 2:8-10. A verse that I have heard many times, but as I was writing it down verbatim - it came alive to me and I noticed a part of it that I hadn't noticed before.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -

not by works, so that no one can boast.

For we are God's workmanship, created in advance in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

The italicized part above just shouted out at me. God revealed to me that while my natural inclination made grace a difficult concept for me, I have actually CHOSEN to remain in that struggle because of my sinfulness (PRIDE)! I want it to be works based because I would then get the credit. YIKES! What a revelation. I have the choice to embrace the system of grace and grow in my understanding.

And since God has been revealing the sin in my life over the past months, I have come to realize on a real level that I can't make it on my own. So the works based system I have wished it would be, would be hopeless and pointless because I now realize how my small steps of progress on my own are NOTHING compared to the gap created between me and God due to my sin.

Praise God for his loving revelations! Praise God for his provision of Jesus Christ!

God has been specifically revealing the sins of jealousy, selfishness, and pride to me. He has shown me in my relationship with my husband of almost 12 years how utterly selfish and prideful I have been. I really had no clue. I am saddened by the time that I have wasted in our relationship because I was so skewed by my own selfishness. God has performed some heart surgery on me in the past couple of weeks that once I realized this - He gave me an attitude of humility, love, and service toward Chris.

I know that it will be an ongoing struggle as I learn to undo years of patterns, but I am AMAZED at the difference God has already shown us. It took me years to get to the point of repentance - but once I was there and repented, God did a work overnight. What a blessing to me and to Chris.

I am actually excited about God continuing me on this journey. It can be very painful and embarassing at times, but the benefits of my closer relationship with God and with my husband are incentives to me to keep on allowing God to work. I know that there are other areas and other relationships that God is calling me to work on, so that will be another chapter in this story.

I leave today for our Women's Retreat. The theme deals with cleansing within - I am so thankful for the topic because that is what God has been doing and I can't wait to learn more. Please pray for all of us there - that God would speak clearly to each of us and that His glory be revealed!