Gospel

This past week at SFL, we studied The Gospel.  We midrashed the passage of the Parable of the Lost Son and then some in Romans.  The challenge given to us at the beginning of the evening was to listen to the story as if it were the first time we'd ever heard it and then to wrestle with what that brought up.

A lot was revealed to me that night about my own beliefs, doubts, and struggles.  It is scary to write them out here on my blog because others read it.  In journaling here, I risk rejection, people not commenting and the insecurities that will bring to my mind, and peoples' perception of me changing.  But I want to be open and honest.  Vulnerability is very scary, but I'm attempting to go with it...

Like the fall should be the WORST thing that has ever happened to me, the Gospel should be the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.  Do I really believe that?

How much do I believe the gospel message?  As I wrestle with this, I am not wrestling with my belief that Jesus is the Son of God, that He had to come to die for us as a perfect sacrifice, and that through belief in Him and His gift of salvation, my sins will be forgiven.  I still believe all of that - at least in my head.

Through the midrash of the Prodigal Son, we discussed the following:

• The father (God) wants relationship with us.  This is #1 for Him.
• He shows unconditional love.
• If He has to chose between mercy & justice, He chooses mercy.

I realized during this time, that I struggle with this.  In fact at times, it makes me feel frustrated or resentful.  For instance, in the story, when the prodigal son arrives back at the house, he has his explanation and plan to work all ready to share with his dad.  However, the dad doesn't even listen to him.  He just accepts him back and starts to party.  Why does this bug me?

I have always struggled to understand grace.  Why?

These are the things I discovered about myself during my meditation on these issues:

• I don't want to accept unconditional love.  I want to work for it.
• I don't understand grace, because deep down, I feel I can work for it.
• My brain, personality, and world view revolve around working toward goals.  I understand systems and bullet points and lists.  Grace defies all of these.

I get frustrated and resentful because bottom line, I don't like the system God set up for salvation.  Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  I hate to even think it, let alone type it or say it.  But I have to be honest and right now that is where I am at.

I have known Christ since I was a little girl.  In fact, I don't remember a time where I didn't believe in Him.  Because of that and my people-pleasing personality, I didn't struggle with a lot of what I will call "big" sins growing up.  A lot of the sins I struggle with get new labels and I rationalize them away.  Take jealousy for instance.  I really struggle with jealousy.  But I often just label it as a natural reaction that I just need to work through.  I am not calling it a SIN in my head.  I am not dealing with it as if it is a SIN.  I am dealing with it more like an anxious moment - trying to explain it away or use little systems and tricks to get by.  Therefore, in my ways of understanding things, I put it in the category of "Need to work on", not in the category of "Need forgiveness".  Because I assign less value to my "little" sins, I feel that if given the opportunity, I could work for my salvation.

I am a PHARISEE.

But jealousy is a SIN.  And try as I have, it does not go away with my methods.  My explanations and systems do not solve the problem.  I need grace and forgiveness for my jealousy just as much as a murderer needs grace and forgiveness for killing someone.

I then come to a paradox in my identity.  On one hand, I really dislike myself and struggle to come to terms with the person that I am.  I feel sinful, disgusting, and hideous.  On the other hand, I feel that overall, I am a good person and that my minor flaws can be worked on.  

So, where does this "split personality" leave me? 

These are the questions that we were to take with us to think about:

• How much do I really believe the gospel?
• Do my actions indicate that I do?
• Do I experience an emotional need for grace?
• Am I broken & desperate for God?
• What do I need to do about this?

Lord, thank You for what You revealed to me during this week.  I have realized a lot of things that I know I need to give to You and ask for You to shed light on, and to show me the truth.  I ask that You help my unbelief.  That You make my need for a Savior apparent to me.  And that in showing me how sinful and incapable I am, You rescue me from the pit of despair that is bound to happen.  Lord, I want my faith to increase.  I want You to restore to me the joy of my salvation.  I want to sing & shout your praises as I learn how wonderful a gift You've given me.  I want to be thankful for the unconditional love & mercy that You offer, not wish that it was different.  Thank you for SFL and all that I am learning through it and the people in it.  Please don't allow me to learn and not apply like I've done so many times in my life.  Let me grow and produce fruit, not rot on the vine.