I'm not really sure why this happens in my life, but it does every few months or so. I just check out and struggle to check back in. It is hard for me to focus and think about things, which makes it hard to pray, to read, to blog, etc.
I had a counseling session yesterday. I completely forgot about it until late morning and by then it was too late to cancel. I didn't really think I needed to meet with her - there was no pressing emotion, problem, or situation that I felt I needed to discuss. But as always, those tend to be some of my best sessions with her. Where we can get past some of the urgent items and dig a little deeper into some of my junk.
One of the things that I realized during my session, is that while I believe God to be good (at least on the surface I do), I do not believe that He wants to give me good things. I almost have a superstitious view toward my life. For instance, I don't believe He wants to bless me with another child right now. I think that He must want me to struggle through another long bout of infertility or possible adoption, before maybe giving me another child. I don't think He wants to heal my Dad, or that He really cares that I would love to have a house of my own again.
As a result, I feel selfish asking for things and often don't, because I am scared that if I ask and He sees that I want something, then He will deny it. I often feel that my behavior dictates His blessings and so the very fact that I struggle with trusting Him for another child will negate any possibility of Him giving me one.
Isn't that horrible? I am disgusted and ashamed of this belief. It was brought to light during my counseling session yesterday and I chose to blog about it as a form of confession. I don't want to believe that. In believing that, I am essentially choosing to not believe so many of God's attributes and promises that He has given us.
Lord, please rescue me from my unbelief. I want to believe. I want to know You and trust You and long to share everything with You.
6 comments:
Heather - Thanks for sharing this. As a glimmer of hope, I hope you don't mind me saying that I don't think there is a (healthy) place place for "shame" as a response to this type of lack of faith or belief. It's the prodigal son returning, with questions and lies in his head but the Father running, jumping and smiling. God is smiling so I guess maybe we should do the same. (easier said than done)
I have so missed your blogs! I think I know what you mean about checking out. I find myself doing that at random times and man, it's hard to reconnect to life and everyone in it.
Personally, I think maybe God doesn't neccessarily give us physical gifts (another child, healing Rod, etc.) so much as the gift of being able to deal with the situations that come up. So maybe, in praying to Him, pouring out your heart in your desire to have another child won't have the result of another child. Maybe the result of that prayer is the reassurance that He's with you in that hurt.
Likewise in good situations. When we praise God for all the amazing things in our life, maybe it's not that we praise Him for his gift of the good things so much as the gift of Himself in those good things.
Then again, maybe not. It's just something I've been speculating on lately. I'm not sure God messes with human outcomes physically (healing or not healing). Maybe the biggest gift He gives us is hearing us when we cry and wrapping His metaphysical arms around us while we suffer.
What do you think?
Heather, I feel the exact same way sooo many times...it takes many forms..."I'm not worth it" or maybe a fear of "I can't do it" or maybe I'm not ready..." fear fear fear...I hate it. . . its also a vulnerability thing...its silly because God knows the inner most secrets of your heart...but to be completely vulnerable with Him is super scary but worth it. Thank you for sharing!
Weird! Kristian and I literally just finished a conversation on this very topic, and I find myself in the same boat you describe! I am processing how my faith and theology effect my prayer life. Praying for you (and for me) in this. Hope we'll get a chance to talk sometime soon! Love, Bina
I love you. And I will praying for your freedom. I often remind myself that God is big enough, big enough for our anger, our doubt, our unbelief, whatever it is... and big enough to smother our misplaced shame. He wants us, desperately, to apply grace to ourselves...
Thank you all for your comments and prayers.
Ben, I agree. There isn't a place for shame. God isn't shaming me, I am doing it. But it is easier said than done. I consider the fact that I can admit that a huge achievement from one year ago. I hope that another year from now, I can look back and see even bigger progress!
Jess, I think I agree and disagree. I do think God gives us gifts, but I agree that you are probably right in that His main purpose isn't the gift, but the process of growing our relationship with Him is. Definitely something to think about more.
Bina, Jessica, and Whit - I'm so happy to know I am not the only one and will pray that we all experience more freedom from our false theology!
Love you all!
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