Thirty-Five

Today I turned thirty-five. That sounds so old, so grown-up. On the inside, I feel like an awkward kid that is still pretty much clueless about most things of life. On the outside - my physical body - I definitely feel more my age.

In honor of my birthday, here are 35 random things about me.

1. I have an enormous sweet tooth. If sugar was a food group, I would excel at getting my recommended daily amount.

2. I wish that I loved God's word more. I am praying that God would give me a huge desire to read it more and dig in deeper.

3. I love to scrapbook.

4. I love laughing with my son. I don't always love playing the games to get the laughs though.

5. I am a first-born. I fit the mold - people pleaser, responsible, overachiever, etc.

6. I love Jane Austen books and movies.

7. I am thoughtful.

8. One of my saddest memories is false starting the 100 meter dash at the State Track Meet. It had been my goal to medal at state in that race in high school. The girl who won the 6th place medal I had beat before.

9. I am an excellent speller.

10. My favorite comfort meal is hands-down Thanksgiving dinner. Give me turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy, Chris' stuffing, and a roll - who needs dessert!

11. I love to watch TV with Chris.

12. I love to read. I wish I had more time to do it now. When I start a novel though, I become obsessed until I finish it, often staying up through the night and blowing off my loved ones.

13. I love exploring new places. I would love to travel extensively. One of my dreams would be to take my kids around the US for a year, living here and there as we saw all the different sights.

14. My favorite TV show is Lost. Both now and ever.

15. I enjoy sewing, but don't enjoy the detailed work. What I like most is making things for people I love. I also like the recognition that comes with it.

16. I am insightful.

17. I have OCD tendencies. One of the silly things I do is spell words on my teeth. I like words with even numbers of letters so they are evenly spaced. The best words are those that 14 letters long since they cover the full length of teeth.

18. I have a hard time not comparing myself to others.

19. I wish that I could take a full day by myself to lay in bed and read, or to scrapbook, or to go somewhere with my friends.

20. My favorite thing to do right now with my daughter is take a nap. It is my way of reconnecting to her and seeing her sweetness after her colic episodes.

21. I am great at remembering names.

22. I easily get sucked into the TV. Doesn't matter if it is a kids cartoon, an infomercial, a cheesy Hallmark movie, or a suspenseful crime drama. Maybe that is why Chris has become a speed channel flipper. The quicker he flips, the less likely I am of being drawn in!

23. I struggle with grace.

24. I was a bit of a boss growing up. Just ask my sister and brother. I also was a bit of a whiner, earning me the nickname Willy Whiner in 9th grade track and the Biggest Complainer Award in 7th grade Bible Quizzing (yes, the award was created specifically for me).

25. I only got one B in high school and one B in college. The B in high school effectively eliminated my being one of the valedictorians (because of the straight A criteria - we had like 11). The B in college came the semester I met Chris and didn't study as much as I should have.

26. We watch entirely too much TV in our household.

27. My favorite color is red. It was also my dear departed Grandma Virla Mae's favorite color. I adored her.

28. As much as I love naptime, I love hearing the sound of Sam's door opening as he wakes up and comes out to greet me.

29. I have depression and anxiety. I am learning how to live effectively with them and feel that I am making progress.

30. If I could choose one talent, I would ask for a beautiful singing voice.

31. My favorite job growing up was working at Burgers Etc. It was awesome - the local hang out. So I was able to see my friends, eat yummy food, and work all at the same time.

32. My favorite pampering is a massage. Oh man, do I need one now!

33. I am a perfectionist. Which 8 times out of 10 contributes more to my downfall than to my success.

34. I tend to be pessimistic when describing myself. I just realized that as I look back over many of these facts. I had to force myself to write some good ones without caveats.

35. I am a mother who hopes to become a better one each day.

I have missed blogging! I hope to write a few catch-up posts in the near future. Blogging has been my journal for the past while, so I feel like there are so many things I want to say, to record, to reflect on from the past few months...

Sam-tastic!

I figured it was time to write a few things down before I forget again! Especially with another one on the way.

* The other day we were watching some tv show and the person said, "Fantastic!" Sam giggled and said, "Sam-tastic!?" It was so cute and I have decided to use that word instead.

* Not sure how mom feels about this one, but dad was sure proud. Last night they were fishing with Jeff & his son Judd. When a fish was caught, Jeff asked Judd if he wanted to knock it out - Judd didn't want to touch it. Sam apparently yells, "I will" and runs over and beats the fish with the hammer. Yucky if you ask me, but his fisherman daddy was oh so proud. And Sam was quite pleased to demonstrate for mommy when he got home...

* Whenever Sam forgets something, he says, "Oh, my got!" and then runs off to do it. He says that to us too - "Mom, you got!!!"

* He has been such a sweet little caregiver of mom as I slow down during this last month of pregnancy. Days after Sam had been sick with a fever, he would come up to me while I was resting and feel my forehead & neck and say, "Mama, you're hot!" Then he would touch my eyelids and say, "Your eyes are hot!" and my nose, and my mouth, etc. He gives all my scratches kisses and rubs my back. Such a sweetie!

* He is starting to play a little more independently and has been coloring a lot - I set up a desk for him in the laundry room where my crafts are. He loves to go in there and color.

I am excited to see him as a big brother!

Getting ready for baby girl

My random thoughts about baby girl's upcoming arrival...

Well, I've made it farther in this pregnancy than I made it with Sam - 2 weeks to be specific. Now whenever my labor starts, I won't have the same worries I had with Sam as far as him being early. I'll just have the usual ones.

I'm finally starting to feel ready to have baby girl - maybe because it is August. Maybe because I am getting tired. Or just a combination of a lot of things. The anticipation is interesting - just knowing that any moment things could get started is different for me this time. Last time it caught me by surprise.

I actually have all of my household cleaning/organizing projects done - with the exception of a few small ones. I have a lot of fun projects I want to do, but none of those have the same urgency. It is an unusual thing for me to feel prepared (in the household realm that is).

The parts I am not feeling prepared for is labor itself. Last time I had taken a class and everything was so fresh in my mind. Even though I have looked over the material, I just don't feel ready for it. We also don't have our names figured out for baby girl. With Sam we waited until after he was born to decide and Chris actually changed his mind about the middle name, so we don't advertise "the name" beforehand. But it felt different since we had reasons for the names we liked and they were very special to us. Now, we are just still trying to get some possibilities down. I feel pressure to have baby girl's name mean something special or symbolize something because Sam's name does, but that may be silly.

Sam woke up yesterday with a fever. While being sad for him that he wasn't feeling well, I was partly excited because that meant I could have him all to myself for a while this week while he recovered. I am just craving time with him as it is - just him and me or in the evenings, just the three of us - since it will change soon.

While we were cuddling on the couch yesterday, Sam's arm was resting against my tummy. Baby girl let out one of her big kicks and he got to feel it. (Normally he won't try to feel her move). Then later on, she rolled and my entire stomach moved - Sam lets out a surprise sound and says, "Oh! Baby sister just moved!" How fun. I can't wait to see him with her.

Anyway, enough for now. I'm off to clean up Sam's sticky fingers after our pancake breakfast.

Word Pictures

I am a visual person. Sometimes it takes a picture for me to understand a concept, or to explain something to others like my complex feelings. Last year during counseling, my counselor helped me to identify a concept through a word picture and it has made a huge difference in being able to understand how my emotions take over, explain it to others, and prevent it from happening sometimes. Many of you have read my explanation of my sniper: the negative thoughts and feelings that unexpectedly arise and take me down. Here is a picture of that sniper. So far lately even with all the different things going on in my life, the sniper has been unsuccessful at taking me down. I am getting better at remembering my armor and those close to me are pretty good at helping me out when I forget.

I also struggle with anxiety. I use this word picture below of quicksand to explain how I feel when my anxiety takes over. It is as if I am the woman in the picture. My head is above the sand and I can clearly see the landmarks around me. But I have sunken down so far that I can't reach anything to help pull me up. I feel trapped and paralyzed by my circumstances, even if they are little things. I start to panic because I am afraid of suffocating and being completely buried.

The other picture for my anxiety is like this wreckage. Circumstances in my life have come in and blown things up, and everything that I need to do and everything that I want to do are all tangled in one massive heap and I am not sure where to begin to sort through them, to start picking up the pieces. This type of anxiety is different than my quicksand anxiety. In this type, I am able to move around, but I feel like I am not making any progess - the wreckage around me is overwhelming.

This summer has been an interesting journey for me. As I have shared before, I am facing death and life - sorrow and joy. Lately, due to the tiredness of my physical body, I have been kind of checked out emotionally. But before that, God had given me a new word picture of how I was feeling. It is expressed below by the picture of the stormy beach with the sun coming through the clouds. The storm represents the stress and the sadness present in my life. I am on a beach, where the sound of the waves can be overwhelming and scary one minute or calming and restful the next. But the sun, the glorious sun, is coming up. This represents the HOPE that God has given me this summer. Hope for the future in the upcoming arrival of my baby girl, and hope for the present in the time I've had with my dad and the reflections of the blessings that God has given us. And of course, the biggest type of HOPE you can have, the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

I love this picture. This picture symbolizes life to me now. There will always be the storms since we live in a fallen world. But God always gives us hope - we just sometimes have to look for it amidst the clouds. There are always countless blessings to be enjoyed, like sand between my toes and the rhythm of the waves, regardless of the severity of the storm. God is always there with us.

Dancing with Jesus

If you are like me, you often don't go back to others' blogs and read others' comments after you have posted your comment. So that is why I wanted to share a comment from my last post from one of my dear sisters, Joanne.

After reading this comment, I realized that I was still striving to control the situation by trying to trust in Jesus - still ON MY OWN. Here is what Joanne shared:

"We all get "caught up" in the moments of trying to control the day.
But Jesus smiles at us, He dances over us. Let's dance along with him and enjoy Him instead of trying to please Him. The truth is He IS PLEASED.
Today let us remember we are "little girls running bare foot" around our Savior.
Rejoicing with Jesus along with you Heather."

I love that picture and the freedom that comes with letting go. I am so appreciative of Joanne - for her insight, for her nurturing nature, and for the challenges she presents me because she knows my story and my tendencies. Thank you Joanne!

Duh...

I had one of those "duh" moments this morning. You know those times where you realize you have been thinking a certain way that is stupid, silly, or even contradictory to your belief system? That is me lately.

You see, I've been a bit overwhelmed by everything going on in my life. My father's health. My baby. The details of my upcoming labor. The status of my "nesting" projects. The fun things I want to do with Sam this summer. My increasing fatigue and inability to move due to the giant bowling ball that is growing within my abdomen.

I've been overwhelmed because I have no control over many of those things. I can't control how much longer my father has with us here on earth or the time frame and circumstances surrounding his death. I can't control whether my baby is healthy or not. I can't control when I will go into labor. I can't control if my water will break first again and if so, where will I be when it happens. I can't control the amount of hours in the day. And while I can take measures to help, I can't ultimately control how I will feel in any given day. I can't control if I will struggle with post-partum depression again. I can't control most things in my life right now.

And so, I've been left feeling confused and frustrated about my lack of control. My inability to figure out what decision is "right" for me. My inability to have everything fit into a plan. My difficulty making decisions since there are so many unknowns in the equation.

I realized this morning that I am spinning my wheels trying to determine the "right" answer, when in reality, there is no "right" answer for many of the decisions facing me. Each potential choice I make will not be perfect - there will be aspects I struggle with. So instead of trying to figure out the right one, I need make informed choices and be prepared for the aspects that are potentially negative.

And for those things that I just simply can't know or control until they happen, I need to remember that I believe in the Creator of this Universe, who is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. I may not know, but He does and He has promised to be with me through it all.

Simply put, I have not been seeking God for guidance or trusting Him to be in the details. I am spending my time and energy worrying - which is sinful. And that is the big DUH moment. I consistently find myself back at this point where I've put aside truth for what ifs and God for my own internal musings.

Lord, thank you for that realization this morning. Please help me seek YOU and not feel like a victim to everything surrounding me. I am in your hands, please help me to trust your good, perfect and pleasing will.

I received a bible verse text this morning (thanks to Scott N. for sending them and to Amber M. for getting me on his list). At first, I didn't put the two together, but as I am writing this, the verse is a good one for me to be reflecting on right now.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you...and to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

To my children...

Baby girl, your energy amazes me. I gave you a new nickname yesterday - Pinball. You were moving around so much and in such a way that the first picture that came to my mind was a pinball bouncing back and forth against whatever it encounters in the machine.

I can't wait to meet you. As I am surrounded by pictures of myself growing up here at Grandma's and looking at all the faces of my nieces and nephews, I wonder what you will look like? Will you look like me? Will you look like your daddy? What will your personality be like? I can't wait to meet you and see how Sam interacts with you. He loves his little cousins so much and talks all the time about you.

I wonder when you will come - will you be the early bird like your brother? Or will you take your time and come when expected?

Samuel, you are such a joy and a challenge these days. I am constantly amazed at your development, both physically and mentally and your ability to learn from a situation and figure out a way around Mommy's rules.

Things that I have cherished lately are...

* You include baby sister in all your talks of our family. Mommy, are you and baby going to go lay down? My love daddy, mommy, and baby. This gives me a lot of joy and hope that you will adjust well to life as a big brother.

* You are such a sweetie lately. You love to give me hugs and tell me how much you love me. And as the little recorder that you are, you often say it in my language. You tell me, My love you too sweetie. Or come up and hug me saying, Oh honey. It is so precious.

* Your memory amazes me. I need you to give some to me since mine isn't the best these days. Last night when we went to the assisted living home to pick up great-grandma, you remarked, I came here with Marlys (you had only been there once before). And then immediately when you walked in the door, you told me that you wanted to go play with the balls and then proceeded to show me where there was a pool table with balls on it.

* You are starting to recognize letters and words. You had visited Gold's Gym in Everett with Jean to see Grandma & Grandpa a few weeks ago. Then last week, we drove past the one in Mukilteo. The only thing that is the same is the sign. You called out - Mommy, that's a gym. Just like Grandma and Grandpa's.

* You are starting to play so much more like a little boy. It is fun to see you interacting more with your friends and your cousins and actually playing together.

* You are starting to be able to communicate better. You were able to tell me that your tummy hurt the other day for the first time, instead of just crying or whining. That will be such a big help for mommy.

* You were such a comfort to me the other day when I was really sad about Papa. You cuddled with me and cooperated.

There are so many more - I wish that I could record them all.

I feel so blessed to have you both and can't wait to live the memories of you two together.

Love,

Mommy