Lordship

I feel like I was run over by a bulldozer last night.  I am confused, scared, defensive, and overwhelmed by this week's SFL discussion.  Our topic was Lordship and our passages were:

Mark 10:17-22

Luke 9:57-62

Luke 14:25-35

Romans 10:9-10

Matthew 7:21-23

The questions we were to ask ourselves are:

1.  Do I know what it means to submit to the Lordship of Christ?

2.  Have I done it?

During the last few minutes of midrash and the ten minutes of reflection time before the training groups started, my anxiety started to ramp up.  During training groups, I was the last to speak (has that ever happened before?!) and I had trouble even knowing what to say (also a new thing for me).  I was emotional and as usual, was trying everything I could to hide it.  I didn't want to cry because what would others think?  Would they think that I wasn't a believer?  Or that I didn't want to submit to the Lordship of Christ?

I couldn't remember really anything about my relationship with Christ over the years.  I don't remember when I first accepted Christ, and I can't really remember much about my walk with Him over the years.  It is like I currently have spiritual amnesia.  I couldn't remember a distinct time when I counted the cost and choose His Lordship, yet I felt that I had been striving to live under His Lordship all along.  I remember my baptism in the 7th grade, but I couldn't remember the feelings and decisions associated with it.  

So I started to doubt myself.  My anxiety mounted until I started having tightness in my chest and shooting pains through my heart.  I was putting most of my energy into not panicking or hyperventilating, so that made my brain freeze up even more.  In fact, as I am typing this, my chest is starting to tighten.

I have always struggled with self-doubt and mountains of guilt.  I have a lot of negative self-talk that happens to me.  I had always chalked that up to my conscience or God's conviction in the past.  But as I have been working through a lot with counseling this past couple of years, I have realized that most of what I have previously attributed to God is not Him because He doesn't talk to us that way.  I would give an example right now, but I can't articulate it.  So my counselor gave me a word & a picture of a SNIPER.  The sniper seeks to destroy me with his words.  His words fill me with self-doubt and guilt.  Like a soldier hit by a sniper's bullet, I become wounded and the blood of that self-doubt and guilt grows, covering me.  It is only through God's word and putting on His armor, that I am able to protect myself from the sniper.  I am still learning to listen to my thoughts and determine their origin.  And when I get anxious, overwhelmed, or tired, it becomes more and more difficult.

So right now I am attempting to sift through the messages.  To sort out what God is telling me through last night's discussion and through His word and to discard anything that isn't from God.  As I have been processing this, I am remembering bits and pieces back of my walk with Christ over the years.  Those pieces are comforting me right now.

Please pray for me - that I will clearly hear God and will be able to deflect the sniper's bullets with God's armor.

Who I Am - Chapter Two

And now for the yucky part.

About 6 months ago, I listened to part of a lecture series by Dan Allender, PhD.  He was describing humans as a two-sided coin.  On one side, we have dignity because we were made in the image of God.  On the other side, we have depravity because of our fallen nature.  Those two sides are with us in whatever we do.  If I remember correctly (can't find my notes), his point was that no matter how good I do something, there is a glimpse of my depravity in it, and no matter how bad I do, there is a glimpse of my dignity in it.  

Yesterday I started looking at my dignity side, but today I will start looking at my depravity.  

Try as I might, I am not perfect.  As much as I want to lie to myself and convince myself that I could handle a works-based system, I could not.  There is no way that I could ever earn my salvation.  As I have been reflecting on that this week, it is pretty evident to me that my days are filled with failure and sin.  One of my notes last week during SFL said this:

I'm...

Fallen

Broken

Inadequate

Unable

Not good words for someone struggling with self-esteem right now, but I am embracing them and praying and praying that God would help me understand my sinfulness and recognize my absolute need for grace.

I have been grieving the fall, but struggling to take responsibility for my part in it.  It is too easy to say, "well I wasn't there", "Adam sure screwed that up for us", "why am I being held responsible for his mistake".  But the truth is, we all have chosen our way over God's way.  Some of us more than others, but we all have done it.  Therefore, we all have fallen and are all responsible for the fall's effects.

Here are some of the passages I am reading through to help me "face the facts":

• for no one living is righteous before you (Psalm 143:2b)
  
• for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)
• As it is written:  There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit.  The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.  Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.  There is no fear of God before their eyes. (Romans 3:10-18)

One of the verses that a dear friend shared with some of us this spring was James 5:16:

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

Here is my confession based on some of the passages I am studying:

• (I) have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity.  (I) am full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice.  (I am a) gossip, slanderer, God-hater, insolent, arrogant, and boastful (Romans 1:29-30)
• With the tongue (I) praise our Lord and Father, and with it (I) curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. (James 3:9)
• (I) harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition. (James 3:14)
• I put other gods before the Lord and worship idols - I put things like TV, computer time, shopping, junk, etc. at the beginning of my priorities and ahead of God. (Exodus 20:3-5)
• I have misused the name of the Lord. (Exodus 20:7)
• I have not kept the Sabbath day holy (Exodus 20:8)
• I have dishonored my parents (Exodus 20:12)
• I have committed murder; in fact, I'm a serial killer by my anger (Exodus 20:13; Matthew 5:21-22)
• I have stolen (Exodus 20:15)
• I have lied (Exodus 20:16)
• I have coveted (Exodus 20:17)

I'm sure I could use up all my allotted blogging space if I went through the Bible to examine myself and listed all the places I fall short of God's standards.   How sad it is that I can convince myself that I can work this all off - or that I am not in need of grace.

Here is the punishment I, Heather Jerene Hanson Osborn, deserve:

For the wages of sin is DEATH (Romans 6:23a)

Even now as I am typing this, I feel an emotional disconnect.  I know I am a sinner, but I don't feel broken.  Part of me is saying to myself, "Well duh...you have been forgiven!"  And that is all true, but I need to feel the weight of my sin to understand and believe in grace more.  I don't want to shrug these things off by remembering that I am already forgiven.  I want to remember what it is like to be on the other side of grace so I can appreciate it more.

Maybe that is the wrong way to go about this - I'm not sure.  I don't know what to do other than to continue to think about this.

Lord, please forgive me for my arrogance and my desire to try and do things my way.  I can't succeed.  I fail every little step when I try to do it myself.  Help me to feel like the criminal that I am, so that I can rejoice more fully in my adoption as a daughter of the King.  Lord, thank You for all You've been revealing to me.  Help me to continue to understand and grow.  Help me to change.  Help me to not become discouraged that this is a journey and a process that will continue on for the rest of my earthly life.

Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he will come near to you.  Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Grieve, mourn, and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  (James 4:7-10)

Who I Am - Chapter One

In the beginning...

What do I learn about my identity from Genesis 1-2?

First and foremost, I am a creation of God.  I am created in His image.  Genesis 1:27 says,

So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

Since I am created in God's image, I have to assume that essentially I have worth.  God also called all of his creation good.  So I have worth and am good.  Some of the attributes of God that I see in myself are my desire to bring chaos into order, my desire to create and my enjoyment of the things I have created.

God created me for relationship, not only with Him, but with others.  My desire to be loved and to love is part of His image.  He walked with Adam & Eve in the garden - He gave them access to Himself.  

God rested on the 7th day.  I try to live without rest.  However, God is laying down an example for us.  We need to rest.  It is not wrong to need rest, it is part of my nature.  It is a good thing to do.  It is God-ordained AND God-commanded.

God called everything into being.  But when he formed man, he breathed life into his nostrils.  That shows intimacy and a physical closeness.  God is not a distant god - He is real and He is present.  He breathes life into me.  He is my oxygen.

God gave man a purpose.  I long for purpose in life because God designed me that way.  If I am listening, God will show me that purpose.  We were not created to be idle - as Matthew Henry puts it in his commentary, "Even in paradise itself, man had to work." 

God gave me a help-mate.  I am to be one with my spouse.  I am joined to my husband.

This is my starting point Lord.  This is a glimpse of how You designed us.  Thank You that You made humans unique and that You created us to be in relationship with You - the Almighty God.  Thank you that I am made in Your image.  Thank You for breathing life into me.  Thank You for my helpmate and the design You have for marriage.  Please help me to rest tonight and sleep well.

And as I sign off Lord, please prepare my mind and my heart for the next step - studying my fallen self.  Lord, I want to feel the impact of who I am as a fallen creature - I want to see the need for grace and feel the impact of my sin.  But I am scared.  Please help me and comfort me as I reflect, meditate, and study that in-depth tomorrow.  Help me to know that You are there and even if I stay in the pit awhile, help me to see the purpose of that despair.

Who I Am - Introduction

As is pretty obvious from my previous posts, I am going through an identity crisis and have been for some time now.  I started studying Ephesians as part of my process to identify with who I am in Christ.  However, I feel that won't help me right now, at least yet.  Before I can identify with who I am in Christ, I need to go back to the beginning, back to who I am without Christ.  I feel that is a necessary step after some of my revelations from Creation, the Fall, and the Gospel.

While my ultimate goal is to understand not only who I am in Christ, but also who He has created me as an individual - ie, what are my spiritual gifts, strengths, etc.,  I feel I need to put the individual search on hold.  If I am willing to let God show me who I am without Christ and who I am in Christ, the rest should come naturally.

However, that is a scary thing that not only requires honest reflection, but also change.  Change in my attitudes and beliefs, and change in my behavior.  

I had an awesome counseling session on Tuesday.  I was able to share with my counselor some of my current day to day struggles and frustrations, along with what I have been thinking about in terms of my Gospel post.  It is amazing to me how closely those things are all interrelated.  As she said, "God is really showing you some stuff and working on you."  While the sniper seeks to discredit that and convince me otherwise, I know that is true.  That is exciting!

But what that means is I have a choice right now - I can choose to do some hard work that could potentially be very depressing and difficult.  Or I could walk away and be content to live in my quasi-beliefs - not really growing.  And then what would that say about my commitment to God?

So, I am seeking to do that hard work.  It can be difficult for me to find the time to concentrate amidst being a mom and my current commitments.  But I'm going to find that time, even if I have to lose some sleep.  For instance, I am sitting here typing this post in a dark hotel room.  My sister is on my left side sleeping, while Sam is a few feet away sleeping in his pack 'n play.  I have a headache and am getting a cold.  But I can't sleep.  And I don't know when I'll find more time like this since I've got a lot coming up.  And tomorrow night is another night of SFL where I'll have more to add to my pile of sorting through...so here I am.

Lord, please bless my time with you right now.  Help me to listen to You, not the sniper or my own insecurities.  Help me to focus.  Help me to hear.  Help me to feel.

Gospel

This past week at SFL, we studied The Gospel.  We midrashed the passage of the Parable of the Lost Son and then some in Romans.  The challenge given to us at the beginning of the evening was to listen to the story as if it were the first time we'd ever heard it and then to wrestle with what that brought up.

A lot was revealed to me that night about my own beliefs, doubts, and struggles.  It is scary to write them out here on my blog because others read it.  In journaling here, I risk rejection, people not commenting and the insecurities that will bring to my mind, and peoples' perception of me changing.  But I want to be open and honest.  Vulnerability is very scary, but I'm attempting to go with it...

Like the fall should be the WORST thing that has ever happened to me, the Gospel should be the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.  Do I really believe that?

How much do I believe the gospel message?  As I wrestle with this, I am not wrestling with my belief that Jesus is the Son of God, that He had to come to die for us as a perfect sacrifice, and that through belief in Him and His gift of salvation, my sins will be forgiven.  I still believe all of that - at least in my head.

Through the midrash of the Prodigal Son, we discussed the following:

• The father (God) wants relationship with us.  This is #1 for Him.
• He shows unconditional love.
• If He has to chose between mercy & justice, He chooses mercy.

I realized during this time, that I struggle with this.  In fact at times, it makes me feel frustrated or resentful.  For instance, in the story, when the prodigal son arrives back at the house, he has his explanation and plan to work all ready to share with his dad.  However, the dad doesn't even listen to him.  He just accepts him back and starts to party.  Why does this bug me?

I have always struggled to understand grace.  Why?

These are the things I discovered about myself during my meditation on these issues:

• I don't want to accept unconditional love.  I want to work for it.
• I don't understand grace, because deep down, I feel I can work for it.
• My brain, personality, and world view revolve around working toward goals.  I understand systems and bullet points and lists.  Grace defies all of these.

I get frustrated and resentful because bottom line, I don't like the system God set up for salvation.  Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  I hate to even think it, let alone type it or say it.  But I have to be honest and right now that is where I am at.

I have known Christ since I was a little girl.  In fact, I don't remember a time where I didn't believe in Him.  Because of that and my people-pleasing personality, I didn't struggle with a lot of what I will call "big" sins growing up.  A lot of the sins I struggle with get new labels and I rationalize them away.  Take jealousy for instance.  I really struggle with jealousy.  But I often just label it as a natural reaction that I just need to work through.  I am not calling it a SIN in my head.  I am not dealing with it as if it is a SIN.  I am dealing with it more like an anxious moment - trying to explain it away or use little systems and tricks to get by.  Therefore, in my ways of understanding things, I put it in the category of "Need to work on", not in the category of "Need forgiveness".  Because I assign less value to my "little" sins, I feel that if given the opportunity, I could work for my salvation.

I am a PHARISEE.

But jealousy is a SIN.  And try as I have, it does not go away with my methods.  My explanations and systems do not solve the problem.  I need grace and forgiveness for my jealousy just as much as a murderer needs grace and forgiveness for killing someone.

I then come to a paradox in my identity.  On one hand, I really dislike myself and struggle to come to terms with the person that I am.  I feel sinful, disgusting, and hideous.  On the other hand, I feel that overall, I am a good person and that my minor flaws can be worked on.  

So, where does this "split personality" leave me? 

These are the questions that we were to take with us to think about:

• How much do I really believe the gospel?
• Do my actions indicate that I do?
• Do I experience an emotional need for grace?
• Am I broken & desperate for God?
• What do I need to do about this?

Lord, thank You for what You revealed to me during this week.  I have realized a lot of things that I know I need to give to You and ask for You to shed light on, and to show me the truth.  I ask that You help my unbelief.  That You make my need for a Savior apparent to me.  And that in showing me how sinful and incapable I am, You rescue me from the pit of despair that is bound to happen.  Lord, I want my faith to increase.  I want You to restore to me the joy of my salvation.  I want to sing & shout your praises as I learn how wonderful a gift You've given me.  I want to be thankful for the unconditional love & mercy that You offer, not wish that it was different.  Thank you for SFL and all that I am learning through it and the people in it.  Please don't allow me to learn and not apply like I've done so many times in my life.  Let me grow and produce fruit, not rot on the vine. 

Sam Soundbyte

Some of Sam's favorite words/phrases & their translations:

Nawn - On

C U morrow - See you tomorrow

Bone - Phone

Docking - rocking

Yesterday, we were at the store and Sam heard a baby crying.  He kept saying, "Baby.  Crying."  Later on, we got home and for some reason, Sam was having a fit.  He started saying, "Baby.  Crying.  Me.  Crying."  It was so precious!  It was one of the first times that I have noticed him refer to himself (other than Mine!) and provide a description.

The Fall

Well, I've been meaning to blog all week to help me sort out some thoughts, but due to busyness and a tired brain, haven't yet.  So this post about The Fall (our second week at The Storyformed Life), will be long because it seems that all I've been dealing with all comes back to The Fall.

Last Tuesday I had a counseling session - a really good one.  I have been struggling again with my identity and I realize that when I am confused about what that is, I often find my identity through other sources.  That always fails me.  I need to figure out who I am and as a human being, that is a creation of God.  As a believer in Jesus Christ, I am a daughter of the king, a coheir with Christ.  But I am struggling to believe and understand that.  

That is one of the great things about the timing of taking the SFL class.  It is getting me back to the basics.

This past week was a doozy though.  We talked about The Fall.  And I realized that I've been depressed ever since.  Our assignments are always to go home, reflect on what we've learned, and where our belief about that aspect of God's story fits.  Well this week, I can't get away from reflecting on the fall.  It is literally and figuratively, EVERYWHERE.  I live in a sinful, fallen world and I can't get a moment's respite from that because I am sinful too.

I learned so much about the Fall this time - more than I've ever understood before.  For instance, Adam & Eve's eyes weren't opened until AFTER Adam tasted the fruit.  Eve tasted it, but her eyes weren't open until Adam did.  So often, people talk about Eve's fault, blah, blah, blah.  Eve was deceived by the serpent.  She was wrong - but she was deceived.  Adam however, wasn't deceived.  He chose to eat of the fruit without deception or coercion.  We talked a lot about Jesus as the 2nd Adam and how he had to come to do it right.  But that is a topic for another time - one that requires more study on my part.

After they ate the fruit, they were ashamed of their nakedness and hid.  God found them, but instead of leaping into the punishment, He asked them what had happened.  I think this shows His mercy.  He gave them a chance to 'fess up and repent.  But they blame-shifted.  I wonder if the punishment would've been a little different if they confessed and accepted responsibility?

But I digress...

The world we live in is a result of that human disobedience.  These are some of the things from the last week of my life (both big and small) - that would be different if we still lived in the garden:

My dad wouldn't be sick.  I wouldn't have to wonder how much more time I have with him or if Sam will remember him or if any future children I have will get to meet him.

Infertility, which has reeked havoc on so many of those I care about - wouldn't be an issue.  God called us in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful and increase in number.  Without the fall, we wouldn't have had trouble.

Our friend, and so many others like him, wouldn't have to struggle so much to find meaning and purpose in a job.  So many of us wouldn't have to worry about finances or how to make ends meet.

That dreaded Aunt Flo would be no 'mo!

I was reading a Compassion International magazine about the current global food crisis.  There was a picture of hands holding corn kernels and the article was describing how families can no longer afford corn.  This was a sharp contrast to last Saturday when I was at the Pumpkin Patch watching kids play in a giant sandbox filled with corn kernels.  How many families would that have fed and for how long?  Children wouldn't be starving around the world.

I wouldn't always be struggling to keep my house cleaned or organized.

And the real kicker for me, the one that has me tied in knots is...

our access to God is limited.  Sure, for many of us who know Christ, we don't have barriers to God.  I don't want to in any way take away from the wonderful gift of salvation, but I have to grieve the fact that the method of intimacy with God is changed.  Adam and Eve WALKED in the garden with God.  They got to see Him and spend time in his physical presence.  They didn't have to wonder if they heard Him right, because they had audible conversations with Him.  I want that and I can't have that until heaven.

And that just plain sucks...

We are trained to distance ourselves from this story.  But we need to interact with it, to take responsibility, to grieve those consequences.  WE ARE CURSED.

One of the leaders said, "What do you think about when someone asks you - What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?"  Our answer should be The Fall.  Because by far, it is the worst thing that has happened to us.  All the other bad things, whether small or large, wouldn't be an issue if the fall hadn't happened.