Who I Am - Chapter Two

And now for the yucky part.

About 6 months ago, I listened to part of a lecture series by Dan Allender, PhD.  He was describing humans as a two-sided coin.  On one side, we have dignity because we were made in the image of God.  On the other side, we have depravity because of our fallen nature.  Those two sides are with us in whatever we do.  If I remember correctly (can't find my notes), his point was that no matter how good I do something, there is a glimpse of my depravity in it, and no matter how bad I do, there is a glimpse of my dignity in it.  

Yesterday I started looking at my dignity side, but today I will start looking at my depravity.  

Try as I might, I am not perfect.  As much as I want to lie to myself and convince myself that I could handle a works-based system, I could not.  There is no way that I could ever earn my salvation.  As I have been reflecting on that this week, it is pretty evident to me that my days are filled with failure and sin.  One of my notes last week during SFL said this:

I'm...

Fallen

Broken

Inadequate

Unable

Not good words for someone struggling with self-esteem right now, but I am embracing them and praying and praying that God would help me understand my sinfulness and recognize my absolute need for grace.

I have been grieving the fall, but struggling to take responsibility for my part in it.  It is too easy to say, "well I wasn't there", "Adam sure screwed that up for us", "why am I being held responsible for his mistake".  But the truth is, we all have chosen our way over God's way.  Some of us more than others, but we all have done it.  Therefore, we all have fallen and are all responsible for the fall's effects.

Here are some of the passages I am reading through to help me "face the facts":

• for no one living is righteous before you (Psalm 143:2b)
  
• for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)
• As it is written:  There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit.  The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.  Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.  There is no fear of God before their eyes. (Romans 3:10-18)

One of the verses that a dear friend shared with some of us this spring was James 5:16:

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

Here is my confession based on some of the passages I am studying:

• (I) have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity.  (I) am full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice.  (I am a) gossip, slanderer, God-hater, insolent, arrogant, and boastful (Romans 1:29-30)
• With the tongue (I) praise our Lord and Father, and with it (I) curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. (James 3:9)
• (I) harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition. (James 3:14)
• I put other gods before the Lord and worship idols - I put things like TV, computer time, shopping, junk, etc. at the beginning of my priorities and ahead of God. (Exodus 20:3-5)
• I have misused the name of the Lord. (Exodus 20:7)
• I have not kept the Sabbath day holy (Exodus 20:8)
• I have dishonored my parents (Exodus 20:12)
• I have committed murder; in fact, I'm a serial killer by my anger (Exodus 20:13; Matthew 5:21-22)
• I have stolen (Exodus 20:15)
• I have lied (Exodus 20:16)
• I have coveted (Exodus 20:17)

I'm sure I could use up all my allotted blogging space if I went through the Bible to examine myself and listed all the places I fall short of God's standards.   How sad it is that I can convince myself that I can work this all off - or that I am not in need of grace.

Here is the punishment I, Heather Jerene Hanson Osborn, deserve:

For the wages of sin is DEATH (Romans 6:23a)

Even now as I am typing this, I feel an emotional disconnect.  I know I am a sinner, but I don't feel broken.  Part of me is saying to myself, "Well duh...you have been forgiven!"  And that is all true, but I need to feel the weight of my sin to understand and believe in grace more.  I don't want to shrug these things off by remembering that I am already forgiven.  I want to remember what it is like to be on the other side of grace so I can appreciate it more.

Maybe that is the wrong way to go about this - I'm not sure.  I don't know what to do other than to continue to think about this.

Lord, please forgive me for my arrogance and my desire to try and do things my way.  I can't succeed.  I fail every little step when I try to do it myself.  Help me to feel like the criminal that I am, so that I can rejoice more fully in my adoption as a daughter of the King.  Lord, thank You for all You've been revealing to me.  Help me to continue to understand and grow.  Help me to change.  Help me to not become discouraged that this is a journey and a process that will continue on for the rest of my earthly life.

Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he will come near to you.  Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Grieve, mourn, and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  (James 4:7-10)