Lordship

I feel like I was run over by a bulldozer last night.  I am confused, scared, defensive, and overwhelmed by this week's SFL discussion.  Our topic was Lordship and our passages were:

Mark 10:17-22

Luke 9:57-62

Luke 14:25-35

Romans 10:9-10

Matthew 7:21-23

The questions we were to ask ourselves are:

1.  Do I know what it means to submit to the Lordship of Christ?

2.  Have I done it?

During the last few minutes of midrash and the ten minutes of reflection time before the training groups started, my anxiety started to ramp up.  During training groups, I was the last to speak (has that ever happened before?!) and I had trouble even knowing what to say (also a new thing for me).  I was emotional and as usual, was trying everything I could to hide it.  I didn't want to cry because what would others think?  Would they think that I wasn't a believer?  Or that I didn't want to submit to the Lordship of Christ?

I couldn't remember really anything about my relationship with Christ over the years.  I don't remember when I first accepted Christ, and I can't really remember much about my walk with Him over the years.  It is like I currently have spiritual amnesia.  I couldn't remember a distinct time when I counted the cost and choose His Lordship, yet I felt that I had been striving to live under His Lordship all along.  I remember my baptism in the 7th grade, but I couldn't remember the feelings and decisions associated with it.  

So I started to doubt myself.  My anxiety mounted until I started having tightness in my chest and shooting pains through my heart.  I was putting most of my energy into not panicking or hyperventilating, so that made my brain freeze up even more.  In fact, as I am typing this, my chest is starting to tighten.

I have always struggled with self-doubt and mountains of guilt.  I have a lot of negative self-talk that happens to me.  I had always chalked that up to my conscience or God's conviction in the past.  But as I have been working through a lot with counseling this past couple of years, I have realized that most of what I have previously attributed to God is not Him because He doesn't talk to us that way.  I would give an example right now, but I can't articulate it.  So my counselor gave me a word & a picture of a SNIPER.  The sniper seeks to destroy me with his words.  His words fill me with self-doubt and guilt.  Like a soldier hit by a sniper's bullet, I become wounded and the blood of that self-doubt and guilt grows, covering me.  It is only through God's word and putting on His armor, that I am able to protect myself from the sniper.  I am still learning to listen to my thoughts and determine their origin.  And when I get anxious, overwhelmed, or tired, it becomes more and more difficult.

So right now I am attempting to sift through the messages.  To sort out what God is telling me through last night's discussion and through His word and to discard anything that isn't from God.  As I have been processing this, I am remembering bits and pieces back of my walk with Christ over the years.  Those pieces are comforting me right now.

Please pray for me - that I will clearly hear God and will be able to deflect the sniper's bullets with God's armor.