While my ultimate goal is to understand not only who I am in Christ, but also who He has created me as an individual - ie, what are my spiritual gifts, strengths, etc., I feel I need to put the individual search on hold. If I am willing to let God show me who I am without Christ and who I am in Christ, the rest should come naturally.
However, that is a scary thing that not only requires honest reflection, but also change. Change in my attitudes and beliefs, and change in my behavior.
I had an awesome counseling session on Tuesday. I was able to share with my counselor some of my current day to day struggles and frustrations, along with what I have been thinking about in terms of my Gospel post. It is amazing to me how closely those things are all interrelated. As she said, "God is really showing you some stuff and working on you." While the sniper seeks to discredit that and convince me otherwise, I know that is true. That is exciting!
But what that means is I have a choice right now - I can choose to do some hard work that could potentially be very depressing and difficult. Or I could walk away and be content to live in my quasi-beliefs - not really growing. And then what would that say about my commitment to God?
So, I am seeking to do that hard work. It can be difficult for me to find the time to concentrate amidst being a mom and my current commitments. But I'm going to find that time, even if I have to lose some sleep. For instance, I am sitting here typing this post in a dark hotel room. My sister is on my left side sleeping, while Sam is a few feet away sleeping in his pack 'n play. I have a headache and am getting a cold. But I can't sleep. And I don't know when I'll find more time like this since I've got a lot coming up. And tomorrow night is another night of SFL where I'll have more to add to my pile of sorting through...so here I am.
Lord, please bless my time with you right now. Help me to listen to You, not the sniper or my own insecurities. Help me to focus. Help me to hear. Help me to feel.
2 comments:
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing all of you...your heart and everything you are going through right now. So much of what you are sharing is what I have been feeling and have been sorting out. I pray that God will lead this journey for you, that you discover what He has for you and that He would be glorified in the process.
My favorite new quote right now is "You can't stop being who you are because you are afraid". Getting down on our knees even in the dirt and the muck can be scary, very scary when we realize that we must change. I know that through all of this searching there will be finding and how exciting it will be to see what that entails. I pray that though this is difficult you embrace what the Lord is doing..He is working...molding and shaping you...He is the potter, you are the clay. May His will be done. You are such a treasure and know that I love you!
P.S. Also prayers for you for some much needed (and deserved) sleep!
Wait-you're in a hotel room with Whitney? I think I missed something there...
Which is, of course, far less important in the scheme of things than what you're talking about here. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time figuring out who you are. It seems that no matter how far we get in our lives, there are always those times when we have to stop and re-evaluate who we are and what we stand for. One of my favorite quotes right now is: Stand for something or fall for anything. And I think it's important for you to remember that you stand for some pretty great stuff, Heather. You're an amazing mom with an amazing husband and family and friends and an amazing God. With those things on your side, you an make it through anything you put your mind to.
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