One day, I seem to be doing so well and the very next, I scare myself. It's the whole Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde phenomenon.
Yesterday afternoon I spent some great time reading this book that our Women's Leadership Team is going to be using as our fall bible study. I read a chapter about Worry and whoa...I thought, this has the ability to be life-changing for me. The way she was able to describe the sin trap of worry and the scriptures she gave to demonstrate her points were freeing. I felt - hey, if I really get these concepts, my anxiety and my whole life can be so much more in line with where God wants me. I was excited and felt very blessed. Later on, I had a conversation with my dear, dear friend and she was very weary & heavy-laden. I talked a lot about what I'd learned to try and encourage her.
Then I wake up this morning. I still have my headache from last night. My sleep was not restful. I am tired and my house looks like a bomb went off inside from the three projects I started yesterday without finishing. I know that my SIL and MIL will be stopping by at some point today, so I feel the usual pressure (from myself) to at least attempt to clean up. Then my sweet, lil' guy just wants some attention from Mommy and follows me around like a little songbird saying my name or telling me things and I just want to scream at him because his sweet little chirps feel like a nail driving into my skull.
I have to confess - poor bug received the gift of mommy's wrath instead of my companionship. I just hate myself, my sin, my inability to separate my worries and stresses from my role as a mom. He should be the last one to hear my frustrations, but instead thanks to proximity, he is always the first one.
I don't want this to continue to happen. I want to be able to carry out the things I learn that are truth and that are good and gifts from God. I don't want to have to ask for forgiveness from my lil' guy because mommy raised her voice or was impatient with him. I just want to grow and to be released from the burden of being sinful me.
Lord, thank you for your willingness to carry our burdens, to include so much in Your Word that speaks to worry, to love us on good days and on bad. Please help me to grow - to not get stuck in the flip-flop.
